Friday, August 12, 2011

honesty update. nothing about weightloss.

So i promised myself in the beginning of this that I would be open and very honest with you all. So here goes, lately I have been having a hard time getting my ass off the couch and I've been crying alot. I am considering breaking up with Morgan who I have been with for five years now. We are two completely different people and I love him so much but Im not sure how in love with him I am anymore.

I am moving to Saskatchewan next year with my friend and not Morgan, I will be going to school there for the possibly four years. I am so f***ing scared to be alone, I've never had to do it by myself, I have never been more scared about something in my life. I wonder if I can do it, if I wont fall flat on my face with with nowhere to turn and fail. As I write this I cannot help but cry because I haven't any idea what will happen, and what I will do. I went from having a really terrible family dynamic to being 100% reliant upon Morgan, he was my father, my lover, my best friend and my bank. I know how bad that sounds but now five years later I want to be my own person, and be independent. I want freedom, heartbreak, passion, new romance and I want to learn. I guess I want to be an adult, but I am afraid to lose Morgan. Last night we had a talk and he has his mind made up, he wants to marry me and I am "the one" and he will wait for me. I don't see how anyone could feel like this about me, and I wouldn't wait for him if he went and had other relationships for four years and if he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. For a long time now I have felt like this but I didn't know what I was feeling, so I would blame him and he would snap to it and do what I wanted. whether it be buy me flowers everyday and rub my feet, or learn to be a gentleman, give up gaming, be more talkative but it isn't any of those things it seems to be me. I am the problem, I feel like he loves 15 year old me and I'm not her any more but on that same note, I have no clue who 20 year old Keegan Grace is either. So this four years of me being gone will be our saviour or our demise but I am glad it is happening because he deserves to know. I hope I find that he is the one because to break his heart would send me off the deep end. He is so amazing and kind, and handsome and so sweet I couldnt do it to him, he would do anything for me anytime. I feel like such a bag for not being able to stand him. When he is gone I miss him and wish he was home but when he gets here I just can't stand him. What is wrong with me? I need to get my shit together. I just cant seem to, I need my mommy but she isnt what I want either because her and I don't have that kind of relationship.I hate the way I feel and act.

That is what has been going on lately I havent been losing weight or doing anything for that matter. I am so sad.

thanks for listening I hope I can fix this.


  1. It sucks that you're having a tough time but it seems like this time in Saskatchewan is what you need to get to know yourself away from the bf :)
    In some ways its good that you've grown together but it can be hard to establish your independance from him after so long. Being on your for a bit might help you work out if hes the one for you like he thinks youre the one for him.
    I hope it works out for you, it might not seem like it now but things will get better and you wont be so sad anymore :) x

  2. The heart wants what the heart wants. Try not to beat yourself up for not loving someone the way your "head" wants you to. Love either is or isn't. Period. You have to love Morgan enough to want him to have someone who loves him like he thinks he loves you. IF it was real - the feelings you feel - I don't think would ever even cross your mind in my opinion. You will survive heartbreak. You will. Because you have to and because it means that beyond the heartbreak your soulmate is waiting - and you can't miss out on that - can you?

  3. I just want to give you a hug and I almost want to cry to because I know how you feel. It's a terrible situation to be in, but you are a good person because you have been open and honest with him about your feelings. That right there shows how much you care about him and speaks volumes about you as a human being. I was in the same spot years ago, but it was at age 21 instead of 15. The guy ended up backing away because he could tell I 'depended' on him more than I 'wanted' him. He did it for the best interest of both of us as individuals, and today we are still really good friends - almost best friends.

    I agree with Drazil's comment that Morgan deserves to be with someone who is 'in love' with him; as do you. You won't be 'alone' - you just won't have a boyfriend. That can be a very good thing. Let the power of working on yourself and being a strong, independent woman take over the direction of your life, and the rest will fall into place.

    Thanks for sharing something so personal. That takes courage. Be blessed. Ugh I still wanna give you a hug, and I'm not usually into touchy-feely stuff, but man I know this is tough and I ache for you because it sucks. Plain and simple. Take care.....

  4. It's seems you have a big decision ahead. Sometimes relationships ebb & flow. You should really follow your heart. He sounds like a really good guy, but it doesn't mean he has to be the one for you. You have to live your life for you.

  5. If you love someone, let them've been with Morgan since you were 15 and that is wonderful. However the person I was at 15 is VERY different from the person I am at 23. We grow and change. I'm a nurse so I've seen all different people from all walks of life and I can promise that everyone is CONSTANTLY evolving based on their personal experiences, goals, dreams, and disappointments.

    If your love with Morgan is meant to be, it will be. You'll go to college and find out what kind of adult you want to become. You may think one thing now...and find out that something is COMPLETELY different when that path is set ahead of you. For example, throughout highschool I was an avid singer and bassoonist and I had my heart set on studying music. But when I went to go visit colleges...and I saw what studying music entailed (6 hours a day of just singing and another 6 hours of practicing my bassoon? NO THANKS) I completely changed my mind. I had to search inside myself and find what I wanted and that was to become a nurse.

    You absolutely cannot be afraid of change! Change is what keeps life fresh and interesting and fun! You know what to do in your heart <3 It's a tough choice but you're a strong girl!

    You can do it!

  6. You're super young, coming into adulthood and just now begin to discover the sort of woman you will become. There is a whole world out there and you would do yourself an incredible disservice tying yourself down to your first love. Go live your own life before you commit to any one thing or person.

    It can and should be one of the most exciting times of your life. Enjoy it.

  7. Don't be afraid of change! It may be the best thing to ever happen to you. I stayed with my high school boyfriend for far to long because we were comfortable together and I was scared to be alone. We ended up getting married and it was the worst mistake of my life. We divorced after 2 years and now I have finally found my true love and couldn't be happier with him. I know it is hard and scary right now but you have to think of yourself and what is best for you. Good luck!!

  8. Oh my, this is such a big issue to sum up in a comment box. I think the ladies above have said some pretty sage things. I can understand how you would feel different at 20 than you did at 15. Don't make any snap decisions. Sometimes sadness in other areas of our lives can aggravate other things. Hang in there. :)

  9. I have been through this exact same thing. I was with "David" from 14 to 18. I loved him but I wasn't in love anymore. We were "comfortable" and "used" to each other. I didn't want to start all over again to get that way with someone else, but I didn't want to be with him anymore. He waited for me but I eventually met my husband shortly after. We have been together now for 15 years.
    You need to do what you need to do. You can't leave Morgan waiting. If he wants to that is his choice (like David's) but eventually when you move on they will too.