So i promised myself in the beginning of this that I would be open and very honest with you all. So here goes, lately I have been having a hard time getting my ass off the couch and I've been crying alot. I am considering breaking up with Morgan who I have been with for five years now. We are two completely different people and I love him so much but Im not sure how in love with him I am anymore.
I am moving to Saskatchewan next year with my friend and not Morgan, I will be going to school there for the possibly four years. I am so f***ing scared to be alone, I've never had to do it by myself, I have never been more scared about something in my life. I wonder if I can do it, if I wont fall flat on my face with with nowhere to turn and fail. As I write this I cannot help but cry because I haven't any idea what will happen, and what I will do. I went from having a really terrible family dynamic to being 100% reliant upon Morgan, he was my father, my lover, my best friend and my bank. I know how bad that sounds but now five years later I want to be my own person, and be independent. I want freedom, heartbreak, passion, new romance and I want to learn. I guess I want to be an adult, but I am afraid to lose Morgan. Last night we had a talk and he has his mind made up, he wants to marry me and I am "the one" and he will wait for me. I don't see how anyone could feel like this about me, and I wouldn't wait for him if he went and had other relationships for four years and if he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. For a long time now I have felt like this but I didn't know what I was feeling, so I would blame him and he would snap to it and do what I wanted. whether it be buy me flowers everyday and rub my feet, or learn to be a gentleman, give up gaming, be more talkative but it isn't any of those things it seems to be me. I am the problem, I feel like he loves 15 year old me and I'm not her any more but on that same note, I have no clue who 20 year old Keegan Grace is either. So this four years of me being gone will be our saviour or our demise but I am glad it is happening because he deserves to know. I hope I find that he is the one because to break his heart would send me off the deep end. He is so amazing and kind, and handsome and so sweet I couldnt do it to him, he would do anything for me anytime. I feel like such a bag for not being able to stand him. When he is gone I miss him and wish he was home but when he gets here I just can't stand him. What is wrong with me? I need to get my shit together. I just cant seem to, I need my mommy but she isnt what I want either because her and I don't have that kind of relationship.I hate the way I feel and act.
That is what has been going on lately I havent been losing weight or doing anything for that matter. I am so sad.
thanks for listening I hope I can fix this.